-You guys, I’m very excited
about this. Senator Bernie Sanders
is my guest tonight. [ Cheers and applause ] Right before the show, I heard
Bernie talking backstage, which means
he’s just five blocks away. -Oh.
-Yeah. I’m just kidding. Bernie’s here. There was actually
a fun moment before the show when our audio guy was putting
a microphone on Bernie, and he was like, “Trust me —
I’m not gonna need that.” Well, listen to this. In a new national poll,
Bernie Sanders is ahead of
President Trump by 1%? [ Cheers and applause ] And that’s the only time you’ll
ever hear Bernie Sanders say, “God bless the 1%.” You know, we’ve had a lot of fun
at the senator’s expense, and he’s such
a good sport about it. In fact, I had no idea how much
fun we’ve had until I saw this. [ As Sanders ] I’ve got cough
drops in my pocket older than him. The 1% is coming from
inside the house! Strawberry Smucker’s! Marmalade! Get off of me!
I’m not a scarecrow! This is me whispering! I’ve never been so
turned on in my life! I see it. I like it.
I want it. I got it! Slay all day! [ Cheers and applause ] [ Normal voice ]
I’m happy he’s here. I’m happy he’s here. Well, today in Washington,
Trump pardoned a pair of turkeys named Bread and Butter. Or, as Trump calls them,
“The two essential food groups.” I saw that you could actually
go online and vote for which turkey got
the official pardon, which is why Butter’s lawyer
got caught in Ukraine trying to find dirt on Bread. This is nice.
[ Cheers and applause ] This is nice. After they got pardoned,
Bread and Butter were sent to a farm in Virginia
known as Gobblers Rest. Gobblers Rest, which is also
the nickname for Mitch McConnell’s neck. And speaking of Washington…
[ Laughter ] …today on CNN,
a Democratic congressman was being interviewed
at the Capitol building — did you see this? —
when a man in the background appeared to be
practicing karate. This is for real.
During the interview. Check this out. -You know, try to do the
quid pro quo, the bribery with Ukraine and the president. -Well, speaking of
the election, Congressman, I mean, I always thought that
you candidly noted during that same
town hall last week… [ Laughter ] -Right after,
that guy was seen working Mitch McConnell’s neck
like a speed bag. No, he’s like, “Hey, stop.”
This is going viral. Former Papa John’s C.E.O.
John Schnatter — That’s his name. Former Papa John’s C.E.O.
John Schnatter schnat down for a new
interview since being ousted from the company he founded. And even though
he’s no longer C.E.O., it seems like he’s
still passionate about pizza. Listen to how many he’s
been eating. -After years of touting better
ingredients, better pizza, Schnatter says it’s
ultimately the customers who are left with a bad taste
in their mouths. -I’ve had over 40 pizzas
in the last 30 days, and it’s not the same pizza. It’s not the same product. -Can we see him again? He looks like Superman going
through a bitter divorce. He’s just like… Seriously, when he heard
40 pizzas in 30 days, the Little Caesars guy was like,
“You’ve got a problem, problem.” 40 pizzas in… A Phoenix man was arrested for
stealing another man’s burrito. Did you hear about that? Right now, the man could
face up to 10 years in prison or, of course,
extra if they find guacamole. [ Laughter ] Guac is extra.
[ Applause ] There’s a popular new meme
going around called “I’m gonna tell my kids.” Have you guys heard about this? Yeah, this is where people
post a photo and say that they’re gonna lie to their
kids about who that person is. Here’s a fun one I saw. It says, “I’m gonna tell my kids
this was Destiny’s Child.” Just it’s funny, so I thought
I’d share some of my own. For example, I’m gonna tell
my kids this is Pete Buttigieg. Tariq, you want to try one?
-Yeah. I got one. Yeah, I’m gonna tell my kids
that this is George Clooney. -Tariq, that is George Clooney.
-Exactly. That’s why I’m gonna tell my
kids it’s George Clooney, dummy. -I mean, the whole point of the
bit is that you show someone that’s actually not
the person you’ve said. Here’s another example. I’m gonna tell my kids this is
Rachel from “Friends.” -Okay, okay.
I get it, Jimmy. I’m gonna tell my kids this is
Ross from “Friends.” -Yeah, but that is
Ross from “Friends.” -Yeah, exactly!
-Tariq, no, no, no. It’s like,
I’m gonna tell my kids this is Harry and
Meghan Markle’s royal baby. -Oh! Okay. Okay.
Sorry, Jimmy. I get it now. -Okay. -I’m gonna tell my kids this
is the president. -Yes! Exactly! That’s it! -In the TV show “The West Wing.” -No.
[ Cheers and applause ] Sure. Sure, sure, sure. Tariq Trotter, everyone.
Tariq Trotter. ♪♪